As time progresses I always look back into myself and pinpoint the things I need to change. I think when we get older sometimes we get reluctant to change our schedule. What's in place is there for a reason?! Not always. There are so many things I need to focus on about ME. I often find myself stuck in-be-twinst procrastination and other shit. Both have been enemies that been sticking around it's like you are sitting alone fighting yourself. I just wanted to always be myself and express who I am but even words and actions and can be misunderstood....How do I grow?

I don't need you to tell me what YOU feel you know.
I will fight always.
I don't need validation or a crowd.
I am a sinner but my intent is always good.

Letting go is easy to do when you TRULY know that the crowd never been with you but LAUGHING their asses off at you.

22.Flu.Dueces.

It's been a few years since I sat down and got some shit off my chest. Maybe if I kept my blog open I would have stayed in my relationship, or had a outlet to get my thoughts in order when he kept shaving into the sink and jacking off above my forehead when I was asleep. Who knows really. No one. Just pure speculation. None the less. The world gets thrown at you faster than you will ever be given the true opportunity to really digest. It's like eating food with people who only eat what is 'normal' food. Oh girl bye. I don't have time to sit around and eat wings and pizza with you. Try some mimolette and get the entire hell on.

Here are some updates:
I been dieting for 2 years. Nothing has happened except I lost then regained.
I was in a relationship for a year and we still like to bump and grind on occasions.
I do not want kids ever in my life. Don't ask me why. Don't tell me about some legacy I will have to carry on. There are enough bitches in the sphere that wanna be moms. Not me tho.
I am a Computer Science Major and I cannot stand these people and their student loan bullshit.
I still love wigs.
I love Merlot

and that's all for now.

The title says it all. In a nutshell. As adults over a certain age, cause I really don't expect much from the generation being raised by no one. We gotta choose what means what, meaning. Not all this shit is funny, or worthy of your attention. We pour attention in stupid shit, but wonder why this or that isn't going the way we want it.

*files nails*
*waits for it*
Oh....


Mmkay.

I have come to the realization for the first time about 7+ years that I might be slightly retarded. (No Shade). I been crying, drinking Merlot, reading old blogs. Like...wth. I cannot sit around and ask..."Why not me?" for a long time now I haven't been putting myself in the position for it to be NOT me. I been too busy doing anything but that. Not that busy has been my friend. Busy in ways that have broken my humility down, created disarray and shadow of myself. I was so FOCUSED on so much of nothing. That I have ultimately, been in my OWN way.

You can completely be the reason to why, YOU will not and cannot progress forward. The past, the things you can't let go of, the pain, the sorrow, the blame game, the guilt, the poor choices. Blah. Blah Fucking. Blah. At the end of the day, ALL of that should be the reason you put the effort forward to be YOUR own success. Forgive us father we know not what we do. And this in every bit of it's entirety is true. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of emotions I feel, right now today. I feel like someone has taken me and blown new life into my veins. I cannot want anything for myself that I haven't tried to obtain with the demons, and monkey's in my pocket. I been entertaining the worst company. Even telling the company they were worthy. So in retrospect, I don't feel I should even feel sorry for myself. 

What do I want? 

I have spent 2012, suicidal, confused, experiencing losing someone that kept my heart beating, selling my soul. Just to always know that I was way more than that. I have always fucking known in my heart that I didn't have to settle for second last best, I didn't have to make poor choices, I didn't have lay in filth and live with fleas. I can't even sit here and expect anything to mean anything to anyone. But I know, I will look back on this and surpass the same milestone I just experienced by over viewing my mistakes, that I was making THE SAME fucking issues for myself, year after year. 

Change, yo.

---------------------------------
Recap:
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The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster

I been sitting here trying to map out WHAT I did to deserve the pain caused by someone who was my "friend" I kept trying to keep a enemy.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Making decisions with your heart vs your intellectual mind. Can really, really, fuck up the whole direction of your life course. LIKE word.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
History doesn't mean shit in relationships if it caused more harm than good. You just end up w/ additional baggage claims & woes.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
I have allowing someone to keep fucking up my life, knowing THEIR character, their mold. Because I felt obligated because of ??

1h   The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Where do you draw the line? When its too late? That's always, always what usually happens. Second, Fourth, Ninth chances? Aladdin.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Envy comes in all forms. Something you may have in your soul, in your character might have that same person at that the entire DAMN time.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Fact of the matter, Your BFF. Your Loved One, The person you hold next to gold. Could be blueprinting your fate with a smile. You usher it.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
"So yes, I can take responsiblity for keeping a dead ass monkey on my back" SO why did I re-visit that same DEAD ass weight?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
A person can secretly know that can't ever be in that position BUT you can, stick around and try to make your GOOD situation THEIR situation

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Yo, there are really people who STAY and position themselves in your lives because they see the drive & ambition,but want it but its a trait

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
This might turn into a rant, but fuck it. Ain't nobody following me. Yall got me on mute.

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Yo, I even went on the limb and said "I am the same Pam across the board, my personality doesn't alter" And it hasn't but my common sense?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Looking back. THE SAME SHIT I SAID then was the same EMOTION I have now, so what the fuck makes me say "They have changed."

DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Why do we keep people around we KNOW we should have cut ties with? Or have cut ties with but keep re-visiting the same shitty relationship?

The DreamCatcher  ‏@LuxeMonster
Reading my old blog. Welp. Explains so much.---------------------------

But wait.
I am like practically the easiest person to get along with. Unless. I just DO NOT fancy your ass.  I think that you should always have a respect for the person around you. Even if you think that person is a simp. For example, I always say please and thank you its just shit you should do. Even if someone is being blander than white folks cooking, still show that respect. It could potentially change the whole direction of that persons day and you not even know it.

As of late, thanks to my Auntie. I think my patience level has been extended my methods have changed cause of being around small kids I think I like them more than some of you adults. Cause their is no reason for your ancient ass to be rude, disrespectful this world don't owe you shit. Promise you that. If you are that upset about life FIX IT. You don't know who else was dealt a shitty hand and more than likely they are still smiling even if they are  crying in the inside. The makings of a person is complex and I get that, like word. But the outward actions, presentations will decide how you are treated so always remember that. If your acting shitty, someone will shit on your porch nigga, so yeah. That's all really.

I think the hardest thing that has ever happened to me in my life is the lost of my Aunt Esther. I still wait for her knowing she won't return. I try to access my feelings but I stay gridlocked. Closure is never easy but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen....

HI!